Anxiety and Avoidance: An Entry on Not Doing
And how to find peace and jump into action
Today I woke up to the usual knocking and scrapping of my upstairs neighbour. Their morning ritual includes mild construction work and murder. This doesn’t prevent me from getting a couple of hours more sleep, but when I wake up, I appreciate the environment I’ve created for myself.
I didn’t need to get up before 10AM, but I chose to. My mornings involve making a cup of instant coffee, putting on my headphones, and reading. I chose an album by Jeff Parker (Suite for Max Brown) and read an article about Black Consciousness by Steve B. Biko and the Pros and Cons of Buying a Repossessed House.
Avoidance
Both readings emphasised my current situation and how I’d been willing to fill my life with distractions without tackling my issues. Here’s a list of a few:
Pornography
Really! What a way to skip the foreplay and get right down to business. Sure, it takes me 5 hours to find the perfect image or video, but isn’t it worth it? Of course not! I could have read a book in that time. I could have levelled up playing Octopath Traveller.
But nooo! I need to objectify human beings (mostly women) to achieve weak orgasms. And if I don’t fall asleep, I’m left with a severe case of shame, guilt, and regret!
Video games
Video games provide a relaxing space to unwind at the end of a long day. I’ve come home from work exhausted and frustrated. I could only soothe my grinding day with a couple of hours of No Man’s Sky.
Now this game has no real objective. You travel to planets in your spaceship. You record the fauna and flora and try to upgrade your equipment along the way. The universe is procedurally generated, so you could do this forever. And I did.
I once spent over 10 hours in one day mining minerals and naming weird looking animals (see below). This was all combined with my drug addiction (marijuana) and pornography.
And the objective was simple. Keep busy doing non-consequential activities until I go to sleep. This had a two-pronged effect. My anxiety got worse, and my problems just kept piling up.
Waking up
Then a couple of months ago I began a new journey of therapy, anti-depressants, and recovery. At first it was hell, but I soon grew used to not panicking over the slightest inconvenience. I found ways to redirect my thinking:
Getting to know the real me
I had to block out the noise. The constant phone vibrations and status updates and 2D Instagram fluff transformed me. I became a zombie, scrolling in search of tasty brains (memes).
So, I decided to stop all social media. I deleted Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and muted all WhatsApp status updates. I had severe FOMO for 2 days. What is happening with Ye’s new album? Why is everyone talking about Norway? I needed to know!
Then came a sort of calm. I realised that I had much more time to think. I had time to really look at my routines and see how I had been avoiding administrative tasks and new projects.
But this was not enough to quell my anxiety. I kept worrying about sleeping too much, and not getting enough done.
The Gift of the Present
I needed to realize the importance of “Now”. My past was finished, and I wasted energy thinking of the should haves, could haves, and would haves. I needed to ground myself in the now. I simply began catching myself whenever I thought of my regrets:
- I caught the thought.
- I took a deep breath.
- I reminded myself: You are in (Place, Address, Planet). You are with (Person, Animal Companion). You feel (Honest Emotions).
- I felt my surroundings and the important task I needed to complete.
- I started that task, or I did not. I made a choice, and I did not dwell on it.
Again, that was not enough. It helped with my current anxiety, but my perceived future still held onto me, dragging me down.
Meditation and Reading
Now with little of steps of presence, I feel myself gravitating towards a place of acceptance. I can stretch this with practicing my moment to moment being, but also through self-reflection. I can identify parts of myself that confuse me.
So, I read and research to better understand my mental processes. I choose 5 minutes in my day to listen to my inner self. I take note of the thoughts that disturb me. I take action to mend them after meditating.
The combination of getting to know myself, being in the now, and meditation has eased some of life’s burdens. Sure, I still get anxious. I still avoid, but the frequency and intensity are lessened.
